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Pilot und Tower | Agenten und Kunden | An Bord

Pilot und Tower

Ein LH Liner im Anflug Nr. 2, vor ihm eine C 172. Tower : "D-ECSG, break-off to the right, Lufthansa-Liner close behind You". C-172 : "Munich Tower, say all again after airliner" Tower : "D-ECSG, immediately turn off to the right!" C-172 : "Munich Tower, please say again" LH : Ein urbayrischer Kapitaen : "A Rechtskurven soll'st fliagn, Du Hirsch!"

PILOT: "Jones Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." TOWER: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do You have the airfield in sight?!?!!" PILOT: "Uh...Tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Controller nach der Landung einer British Airways-Maschine: "Just let You know on the approach You were a little left of the centerline." Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."

PILOT : Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up. GROUND : Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have Your flight plan. What is Your destination? PILOT : Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig. GROUND : Aber, aehh, wir haben heute doch Dienstag! PILOT : WAS ? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei!

CONTROLLER : Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago? PILOT : Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please. GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours. PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay? GROUND: Affirmative. PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!

CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476. PILOT : Say again. CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476. PILOT : Four, zero....? CONTROLLER : Wollen Sie nen leichteren haben?

PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west? TOWER : Yes. PILOT : Yes, what? TOWER : Yes, SIR!

CONTROLLER (in Stuttgart) : Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots. PILOT : Das is ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibts auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten....aber wir sind ja flexibel. CONTROLLER : Wir auch! Reduce to 173 knots.

PILOT : Tower, request permission to enter zone XY. TOWER : Negative! PILOT : Did You say negative ? TOWER : Affirmative PILOT : Understood affirmative. I will call You leaving the zone.

TOWER : Say altitude. PILOT : altitude. TOWER : Say fuelstate. PILOT : fuelstate. TOWER : Say again. PILOT : again.

PILOT : Tower, give me a rough time check! TOWER : It's Tuesday...

TOWER : Say fuelstate. PILOT : fuelstate. TOWER : Say again. PILOT : again. TOWER : Arghl, give me Your fuel!! PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....

PILOT : Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16. TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16 , wind calm and by the way: this is Vienna Tower. PILOT : (Nach einer Denkpause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker. TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more : You are approaching Vienna! PILOT : (Nach einer weiteren Denkpause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava? TOWER : You can believe me, this is Vienna! PILOT : (....Denkpause....) But why?? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna! TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 060 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

TOWER : Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen Sie über Teerweg zwo null neun Charlie und Mike zum GAC. PILOT : AEH...Teerweg zwo...?? TOWER : Das ist der kleine rechts. Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt. PILOT : Sorry. TOWER : Don't worry , nehmen Sie den Mike. PILOT : Aeh, ...Mike?? TOWER : Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts....

Controller: "Japanair 123 confirm You are on course to ARURA?" Pilot: "Ah, Logel, Logel." Controller: " No, no, Sir. Not to LOGEL. It is not on Your route!"

Pilot: "Cotonou Tower, 5NAAF VFR from Lagos to Cotonou reporting national boundary this time estimate Your field at 10.15." Tower: " Ah, Ah, fife Novemba Affa Affa Foxetott watta You tipe of avion?" Pilot: "This is a DHCI Chipmunk." Tower: "....ah, say again." Pilot: "DHCI Chipmunk . . . . . C H I P M U N K." Tower: "Aahah...... a shitmonk!"

Pilot: " November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land?" Tower: "Oh, who is talking?" Pilot: "Me!"

Controller: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn 45 degrees to the right . . Pilot: "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?" Controller: "Sir, have You ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?"

Controller: "CRX 500, are You on course to SUL?" Pilot: "More or less" Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

Tower: "N2234, are You a Cessna ?" Pilot: "No Sir, I'm a male hispanic."

Pilot (LH 876): ".....request heading 110 to avoid." Controller: "To avoid what ?" Pilot (LH 876): "To avoid delay."

Controller nach der Landung einer British Airways-Maschine: "Just let You know on the approach You were a little left of the centerline." Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."

Captain (nach einer etwas misslungenen Landung): "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one."

Captain (nach einer etwas misslungenen Landung): "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one."

Pilot: "Frankfurt Information, hier Delta Bravo Zulu. Wir sind jetzt über Dinkelsbühl in Flugfläche 95." Tower: "Sie sollten doch München Information rufen !" Pilot: "Ja, weiss ich, aber bei Ihnen gefällt mir das Programm besser."

Eine DC-3, ohne Farbanstrich, aber mit gepflegt glänzender Aluminiumhaut, rollt zum Start. Tower: "N147, what kind of polish do You use?" Pilot: "Speed only, Sir."

Tower (zu einer SF340 Besatzung): "Wer ist denn nun schneller, so 'ne Dash 8 oder 'ne Saab?" Pilot: "Die Saab natürlich!" Tower: "Gut, dann müssen Sie noch warten."

Pilot: "Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4, erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden." Turm: "Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino."

Pilot: "Information, Delta Kilo November, kann ich über SULZ und TANGO fliegen?" Controller: "Delta Kilo November, fliegen Sie weiter nach gutdünken." Pilot: "Aber ich möchte nach Egelsbach."

Turm (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): "Und was ist Ihr Typ?" Pilot: "Rothaarig."

Tower Controller zu der Besatzung eines Charter-Airliners nach einer etwas harten Landung: "'. . . .ne Landung soll ja kein Geheimnis sein. Die Passagiere sollen ruhig, wissen wenn sie unten sind." Pilot: "Macht aber nichts, die klatschen trotzdem."

Chief Instructor Klaus D., auf Kleinorientierungsflug mit einem sehr "tauben" Schüler nach dem Nichterkennen von mindestens drei leicht erkennbaren Orten : "Sag mir wenigstens, über welchem Bundesland wir sind !".

"Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Papst und einem Piloten ? "Der Papst glaubt nicht, dass er fliegen kann."

"Worüber sprechen Piloten unter sich im Flugzeug ?" - "Über Frauen." - "Und worüber sprechen Piloten, wenn sie mit Frauen zusammen sind ?" "Natürlich übers Fliegen."

Agenten und Kunden

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After goingover all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but CapeTown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England fromCanada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When Ipulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over inDallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heardDallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gatesto save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible thather flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but shecould not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her theplane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description onyour bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, whydo you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, isthere any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "Ilooked into it," ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explainedthat the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was justputting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know whichplane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which hereplied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darnplanes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on acommuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he neededin order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to Chinamany times and never had to have one of those." I double checked andsure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,"Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have acceptedmy American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago toHippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes,what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching,the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up everyairport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York andfinally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She replied,"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

An Bord....

15 minutes into the flight from LAX to MIA, the captain tells his passengers that they are overloaded, that they have not enough fuel due to head winds, and that he needs 20 volunteers to jump.

He continues saying that they had decided to start with the alphabet, letter A. Thus, he says, I am calling all our African passengers.

When there were not enough Africans, he requested all American Africans. The he came the letter B and called for all Blacks. Still not enough volunteers, so he called for the letter C, hence all coloured passengers.

At that moment, the young son of a black man asked his father: dad, the captain has been calling you now for the last 10 minutes. You are normally quick, why not today. Boy, listen good, today, we are niggers, understood? Capisch?

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry - we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry - we still have one engine left." A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.